


I Can't Help But Want You, I Know That I'd Die Without You

by orphan_account



Series: Heronchild Fics [3]
Category: Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy - Cassandra Clare, The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Tessa Gray/Will Herondale, Boys Kissing, Comfort, First Kiss, Healing, Herondales are idiots, Hurt Herondales, Iratzes, M/M, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, Shadowhunters doing shadowhunter things, True Love, You almost died, injured, protective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 16:06:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9131656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When James is injured in a battle, Matthew realizes just how far his love for his parabatai extends."Matthew forced back the tears. James wasn’t dead, not yet, and Matthew wouldn’t cry until then. Not until there wasn’t a single possibility that his parabatai could be alive. And even then, he would probably be dead too."Title taken from Ruelle's "War of Hearts". You know, the super awesome song that played during the Malec kiss? Yeah, that one.





	

“Welsh!” James called, throwing Matthew his seraph blade. Matthew used it to spear the demon in front of him. James transformed into a shadow, and while his demon was confused, Matthew swung a wide arc, chopping its head off. Matthew watched with grim satisfaction as ichor exploded from the demon, and it burst into dust. James reformed, and Matthew was just about to crack a joke, but James’s eyes widened at something behind Matthew. Matthew spun, and sunk his blade hilt-deep into the demon behind him. Ichor splattered onto Matthew’s gear and he wrinkled his nose in disgust. Matthew turned making a face at James and wiping his hands on his gear. Matthew looked up at James and cried out instantly. The tip of a sword was protruding from his stomach. A horrible slicing noise was made as the monster pulled the blade out. It’s ugly face twisted into a cackle, and Matthew quickly drew a throwing knife from his belt and buried it deep into the demon’s chest.

Matthew caught James, who had slumped forward, lowering him to the ground. His mind was in disarray as he saw the red blooming on his black gear. Matthew used another knife to cut the fabric away.

“Help!” He screamed into the night, wincing at the hoarseness of his voice. James was turning from white to green, sweating beading on his forehead. He put pressure onto area around the wound, cutting it off as he was taught by his Mother. “Jamie, you are going to be okay…”

Matthew’s head shot up as he saw Anna Lightwood, James's cousin, skidding around the corner of the alleyway. Her green eyes flashed in the moonlight as she knelt by James, putting a worried hand on James’s shoulder.

“My father has gone to get the carriage,” She told Matthew, and he nodded in acknowledgement. Matthew felt numb all over, watching his parabatai shiver and moan in his arms. James grasped Matthew’s jacket in an iron fist, like it was the only thing holding him to the Earth. The pain was excruciating. A bit of blood dribbled from the corner of James’s mouth, and Matthew tore his stele from his belt. He took a shaky breath and began to draw an iratze, but the healing wasn’t strong enough. He tried it again, but James was still limp in his arms. A tear fell from Anna’s cheek and splashed on the sidewalk. She tore her eyes away from James, pushing off from the ground and walking around the corner, a hand over her mouth to muffle a sob. Matthew forced back the tears. James wasn’t dead, not yet, and Matthew wouldn’t cry until then. Not until there wasn’t a single possibility that his parabatai could be alive. And even then, he would probably be dead too.

James’s eyes opened slowly, lips parting to reveal clenched teeth. “Matthew… you can save me, I know that you can,” he whispered. Matthew nodded, and clenching his jaw, he pulled up James’s jacket and shirt. He stared at the patch of smooth skin, unmarked by any scars or runes. He took a deep breath and set his stele to James’s skin.

As Matthew began to draw, memories and emotions raced through his mind. Single pictures, lost to history, resurfaced.

James, fast asleep in his dorm bed in the early morning, completely unaware of Matthew’s presence.

James, jaw set and arms crossed, eyes like steel as he debated a topic with Matthew.

James, sitting across from him at the lunch table, eyes watering with happy tears as he laughed out loud at something Christopher had said.

The heavenly smell of James’s hair, his skin.

The way it felt to hug James, to feel that he was real and alive after a dangerous fight.

The way his eyes were downcast when he first met Matthew, and now, how he looked at Matthew with love and trust.

The tears were coming now, as James moved under the tip of Matthew’s stele, back arching as strength flooded through him. His hand gripped Matthew’s thigh, eyes set on his parabatai’s focused expression. When Matthew finished, he dropped the stele, pushing the hair off of his forehead. James’s chest was rising and falling steadily now, almost all of the pain was gone. Matthew watched in horrified fascination as the rune glowed a soft gold.

“Jamie,” Matthew’s hands went to James shoulders, expression alarmed. One of his hands went to James’s cheek, cupping it gently. James stared back up into Matthew’s eyes, and he couldn’t help it, a small smile made it’s way onto his lips. “You’re okay,” Matthew breathed, his face splitting into an incredulous smile. “You’re okay!” He exclaimed, tears rushing from his eyes now. James nodded, still smiling, and brushed the tears from Matthew’s cheeks.

“Don’t cry for me,” he whispered softly. “But what  _ is _ it?” James questioned, propping himself up on his elbows and peering down at the new addition to his rune collection. Matthew shook his head silently. All of the sudden, Will Herondale came racing around the corner, in close pursuit by Tessa Herondale. James hastily pulled his jacket over the glowing rune. Will fell to his knees by James, and Tessa, seeing that James was alright, captured Matthew in a hug. Matthew patted the small woman’s back awkwardly. James, who had kept his tears at bay, felt himself loose control at the worried faces of his parents.

“Oh my god, you are okay,” His father’s hand was buried in his curls, and James felt himself relax into the sensation of having a hand stroke his hair, his eyes falling shut. The back of Will’s gloved hand was over his mouth, and he averted his eyes from his son’s face to the alley wall. Tessa collapsed to the ground, pulling James into a hug. She shook with sobs, and when she finally released him, she held his face in her hands. She made eye contact with Will, and something passed between them.

“It wasn’t anything a few parabatai-given runes couldn’t fix,” James assured them quietly, but he knew that his father didn’t quite believe him. After all, he had had a parabatai once, and he couldn’t save his. Matthew stood quietly off to the side, mind racing. He had never heard of anything like this ever happening before.

“Let’s get you back to the institute,” Will said gruffly, standing up. Tessa walked beside him, their hands entwining and her head falling against his arm. Matthew offered a hand to James, who took it gratefully. He winced, his wound aching a bit. As his parabatai, Matthew noticed this easily and wrapped an arm around James’s waist. James smiled at his parabatai’s protectiveness and did the same. Will insisted that he and Matthew get to take the carriage back, and they would walk with Cecily, Gabriel, and Anna. He knew how sapped Matthew’s strength was from simply having the stress of his parabatai being injured. Matthew thanked him and helped James into the carriage. Once they were inside, Matthew sat on the far side of one of the benches and James lay out on the bench, his head in Matthew’s lap. Matthew’s hand instantly went into James’s untidy hair, picking out dirt and gently unraveling the innumerable tangles. James had almost fallen asleep when Matthew spoke.

“You do know that we need to figure out what I did to you, right?” James snapped to consciousness as he recognized the concern that laced Matthew’s words. James slowly turned onto his back to face Matthew. The carriage went over a bump, and James shut his eyes to block out the rolling image of his parabatai’s face. He suddenly felt nauseous, and not entirely from his injury.

“Not… right now,” James groaned, peeking out at Matthew. His parabatai’s green eyes were tired, lined with red. Matthew sighed and nodded, his calloused, thin hand gently sweeping James’s hair from his face.

“Try to sleep,” He murmured. James made an  _ mmm _ sound that Matthew heard, just barely, before slipping off into a troubled sleep. Matthew examined his parabatai, eyes sliding over the bitten nails, chapped lips, and dark circles beneath his eyes. James always looked peaceful while he slept, Matthew had come to realize, an expression he rarely wore while he was awake. Matthew bit his lip in amusement as he realized it was a miracle that James still had the full, pitch black head of hair that he did.

Matthew pulled back the curtain back from the window to see the institute looming up in the distance. He slowly slipped out from underneath James, and scooped him up in his arms as the carriage came to a stop. He wasn’t too heavy, still kind of scrawny, Matthew thought fondly. Matthew nodded at the driver as he walked up to the door. James’s head rested against Matthew’s chest, letting out a small snort at the change in temperature. The door was opened immediately by Lucie, James’s sister. She let out a sigh of relief, opening the door wider so that Matthew wouldn’t have to bump James’s dangling legs on the door frame. Matthew gave her a small smile, and stepped inside. Tessa was awaiting them.

“He should be fine to sleep in his own bed,” She spoke softly, eyes on her son. “I assume that you’ll want to keep an eye on him?” Tessa lifted her gray eyes to him, and he nodded. As he moved past her to the stairs, he caught Will’s eye. They were the deepest blue, and felt like they were piercing into his soul. Will gave him the slightest of nods, but Matthew could feel the eyes on his back like a tidal wave, barely constrained. Tessa had moved to his side, whispering something to him. Will kissed her cheek and they went off to their own room.

Matthew backed into James’s room carefully. He laid James down on his bed, and James’s body instantly strained get back to the safety of Matthew’s arms, but when it came up fruitless, it curled up on itself. Matthew took off James’s boots, and lit the lamp on the bedside table. He covered James with a heavy wool blanket from the end of the bed before moving over to the big chair in the corner of the room, preparing his makeshift bed. He was just about to sit down when he heard a quiet voice behind him.

“Welsh,” Matthew turned to see James’s golden eyes cracked open to the world. In comparison to the yellow lamplight, they shone brilliantly. “Sleep with me?” Thoughts raced through Matthew’s head as he thought about the possible consequences of this, but they were overpowered by his affection.

“‘Course,” Matthew kicked off his boots and walked to the other side of the bed, crawling under the blanket with James.  _ The blanket wasn’t all that big _ . Matthew fed himself excuses for his scooting right up behind James. Matthew relaxed slightly as he realized that James was resting back into him. He draped an arm over James, biting his tongue in anticipation of James’s response. He was careful to avoid the healing wound. James’s reply was a rumble from deep in his chest, and a hand over Matthew’s, pressing his hand more firmly to James’s stomach. The hand soon went limp as James passed out from exhaustion, but Matthew stayed awake late into the night. There was no denying his feelings for James now. These thoughts hung around Matthew like a dark cloud even as the night swept him away into sleep.

.........

When James awoke the next morning, he felt like he was ready to take on the world single-handedly. The pain from his injury was completely gone. Plus, he had somebody cuddling him from behind, and he had a pretty good idea of who it was. Their arm was tucked securely around him, their palm flat against where his heart beat. They had molded themselves around James, even to their feet entangling with James’s. Their face was nestled into James’s exposed neck, each breath tickling James’s skin. James cautiously turned to face him, and as he got comfortable on his other side, his pale green eyes opened, looking darker in the shadow cast over his face.

“Welsh,” James whispered, lifting his hand to brush the blond hair out of his parabatai’s eyes. As Matthew came to consciousness, a hand shot out from under the blanket, grabbing James’s wrist.

“Jamie,” He sighed. “How are you?” He released James’s hand, but not without first running a thumb over his pulse point and lingering for a moment to find the steady beating that he longed for. James suddenly felt warmth rush through his heart, his  _ soul, _ and as he gazed at his parabatai, so beautiful, so exposed, he felt his walls crumble.

“I’m super,” He mumbled, leaning over and brushing his lips with Matthew’s. Everything lovely in the world paled in comparison to the feeling of Matthew’s lips against his. Matthew, snapping out of his daze, pulled back a little too fast.

“What are you doing?” Matthew whispered incredulously. He had buried his dreams of this happening so deep down it felt as if he were dreaming. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize the affect his words had had on his parabatai. James flushed, horror seeping into his bloodstream. _ Matthew didn’t want him, not like this… How could he have been so  _ stupid _?  _ Ice crept into James’s stomach as he scrambled away from Matthew and he backed towards the door. Matthew sat frozen for a second, before crawling after him.

“I need to go-” James started, eyes everywhere but Matthew’s face. Matthew knew that words wouldn’t be able to convey the way he was feeling, so he did what his instincts told him. He caught James’s hand on the doorknob, forearm pushing against James’s chest and crowding him against the wooden door. The door slammed shut with the full weight of James against it. Matthew, who had a three inch height difference on James, dipped his head down to catch James’s lips with his own. It became easier as James’s head tipped up to Matthew’s like a stem reaching for sunlight. And as that stem got it’s sunshine, it became a beautiful flower. James wrapped his arms around Matthew’s neck as the kiss became more heated. Matthew tilted his head to kiss James deeper. Matthew had kissed many girls in his lifetime, but none of them could rival James in terms of butterflies. Matthew’s arm moved from James’s chest to his hips, and when that wasn’t enough, he slid his hands under James’s shirt, mapping out the soft, warm expanse of his back with his hands. James eventually pulled back, completely breathless. His head fell back against the door with a thump as his champagne eyes undressed Matthew from underneath hooded lids.

“I think I love you,” He said, meeting Matthew’s eyes. Matthew snorted, pulling James in for one more searing kiss.

“I love you, too.”

  



End file.
